...and am at a lost. you're definitely not the worst friend ever. Sorry.


and i most certainly don't hate you. today as i shopped around jurong point, too many things reminded me of you. to kill a mockingbird toy factory poster. winnie the pooh stampers. disney princess files. i stared at the last ones so hard that my friend who was with me asked me if i would like him to buy one for me.

i don't hate you and i don't want to. but i don't want you walking all over me either.
maybe it's over for you, but i'm still stuck. because i'm not sick of you, just hurt.

it's tiring to keep begging you. and even worse, to keep getting misunderstood. but i am still the same girl who knows you.

i know what you want.

you want me to say that i'm typing this because i treasure our friendship, which i do. but more than that- read on, even tho you always hate it when i say things like this- i just want to love you for who you are, no matter what happens. and that doesn't mean i have to agree with every single thing you do. or feel that  i am letting you down when i don't force myself to do unnecessary things which i hate doing, just for you. that is not to say that i think you're an unreasonable person. in many ways, i have let you down with my own inconsistency. it's also failure on my part to let you believe that my definition of friendship has diverged from yours.

to cut a long story short, i never meant to take you for granted. but at the same time, i just want to be myself, and not feel obliged to say things for the sake of pleasing you, especially to the extent that it is not even good for you. you know... i feared you a lot. feared you so much. it started with a fear of losing you. i have no idea how that feeling evolved. yes, i've 'suddenly' decided to curb that fear and to stop feeding it. but that doesn't mean i don't care about you anymore. i'm just basing my love for you on something else. something better.

so the best i can do now is really just... wait for you.

meanwhile, as i long for the day of your return, i shall do the very thing which you despise the most... (and however much this may irritate you, i'll still say it)

i pray... i pray...
that the day will come when you realise that your definition of love and mine converge.

i loved you. i love you. i always will...

I used to be really curious about the various blog services which are available for free, like Blogspot, Xanga, Freeopendiary, Wordpress, Ebloggy, Typepad, Tumblr, Livejournal, Blogdrive, Posterous, etc. There are just so many that it’s mind-bogging! On top of that, social networking sites (like Facebook) allow you to post entries (e.g. “Notes”) which are not unlike blog posts and Myspace also has blog service as part of the package. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve relocated my blog over the years. Even at Blogspot itself, I’ve probably changed my blog name more than 20 times. I bet some of you can still remember the more recent ones like “fatblogslim”, “bgirl-glowiee”, “tofubling”, “lil-ms-trashy” and “robopixi”. It’s simply crazy!

 But I’m done with my nonsense. I’m settling down right here, I promise, and I’m consolidating all the random stuffs I’ve left all over the place! So from now on, expect super regular updates of ultra original material from me.
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do not read if you haven’t known me for more than 2 years:

I have a simple confession to make! That is I’ve been feigning ignorant for a very long time. If I ever came across as confrontational to some of you, trust me when I say that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It’s really nothing compared to the shit which I could sense was going on behind my back.

Too often I ended up staring into blank space and walking around in a daze, consumed by angry thoughts, wondering WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP ME IN THE DARK AND BELIEVE IT’S THE BEST FOR ME, WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP ME IN THE DARK BELIEVING IT’S THE BEST FOR ME, WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP ME IN THE DARK BELIEVING IT’S THE BEST FOR ME!!!!!?????

And I wonder all the time, “is it my fault?”

I tried to cook up excuses for them, like, “maybe they know that I know”, “perhaps they think I am as stupid as I look”, and “it might be that they were traumatised by the previous violent tendencies I’ve displayed.”

RIGHT.

Now I know that they have simply chosen the easy way out. THEY KEPT ME IN THE DARK BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HOW I WOULD FEEL. They just wanted to manipulate me into behaving in such a way that would complement their screwed up lives.

I won’t let it happen again.

TO EVERYONE READING THIS: BEING KEPT IN THE DARK (AND FINDING OUT ABOUT IT) IS A MILLION TIMES WORSE THAN BEING TOLD A FLAT-OUT LIE. DON’T DO IT.

SO WHAT IF I’VE CHANGED. I’ve changed for the better. Oh, I’m so sorry that I’ve changed for the better! I’m sorry that I’m more mellowed down, and trying hard to be humble, I’m sorry that people who are genuine and sincere have come along and loved me and moved me into wanting to be better, I know you think I don’t deserve it! Why am I such a lucky B****!?

Don’t worry though, because the angry daredevil, that monster that you liked so much, is still inside me. I’ve tamed it but it’s still inside and this side of me has been reserved to write this specially for you. Do you like what you’ve read so far? ;) KNOW WHAT? YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL THAT I TRY AND WANT TO PLEASE GOD, BECAUSE FOR HIM I MAY FIND IT IN MYSELF TO FORGIVE YOU ONE DAY.

BUT I WOULD RATHER FORGET YOU. I BET THAT WOULD BE TEN THOUSAND TIMES EASIER.

I’ve cried many times when talking about you. You are definitely not worth it, considering you’re the lousiest friend ever, but thanks for the lesson!

Catching up with my Care Group leader!

It's always nice to talk to someone wise who sincerely cares about me, sees beyond my troubles and understands my struggles. I felt relieved telling her everything, trusting that she wouldn't tell anyone.

Thank you... ♥